I've been trying to keep the titles vaguely alliterative, as per the influence of Sosolimited, but the horror of the Vatican could not particularly be contained to alliterative titles.
Those of you who may know me may understand how much I hate people. I mean, I just honestly, truly, unequivocally despise people as an entity. We have visited many different tourist locations that have been crowded, that have had other tourists that were eager to see the sights, overeager even. But nothing truly rattled me in the same way as the Vatican City did.
I digress. We had a plan for our third day in Rome. We had intended to wake up earlier (as always, as usual), but we had booked a tour for 1PM so we had to at least be up by then. We rolled out of bed around 10:30 or 11, got our things together, had yet another meal at the Mini-Pizza (that place was starting to become our second home), and headed towards the Vatican. The tour we had booked was with the same company as our tour of the Colosseum, and we were supposed to meet them outside of the St. Peter's Basilica metro stop. That was easy enough, and after a bit of gelato, we were soon on our way, our guide a tiny Italian woman who loved the phrase “Mamma Mia,” which I had previously thought was an American fabrication.
The tour was another easy choice. No lines, no wait for the tickets, and since the Roma pass didn't cover the Vatican anyways, it was a small price to pay. We went in, we got our headsets, and our first stop was outside the Vatican Museum to get a view of the Basilica from far away. Already, I was a little on edge because while (even in China) I dealt with huge crowds, I was always able to get a photo away from the people. I was always able to pretend, at least for a second, that we were alone. Inside the Vatican, this was not the case. For a country with a permanent population of less than one thousand people... it was surprisingly crowded.
Our first stop in the museum was the pinecone courtyard, so named, for well, the obvious decorations.
There was also a piece of modern art in the center of the courtyard by the artist Arnaldo Pomodoro (Yes, tomato). My favorite thing about this piece of artwork was... our Italian tourguide trying to explain the meaning (let's be fair, try to explain a piece of modern art in your native tongue) and then SPINNING IT. Yes, it spins. :) It was amusing.
Afterwards, we entered the Vatican museum which was BEAUTIFUL, but packed. We were not quite wall-to-wall with people, but each room was a murmur of excuse mes (in a mix of different languages). There were rooms completely full of statues (many of which we couldn't enter), paintings, tapestries, and more. The following is just a taste.
We also saw an ancient Roman bath in an atrium designed with the Pantheon in mind, placed an an original tile floor and surrounded by bronze and marble statues.
Our tourguide noted one of the statues in this room in particular a monstrous bronze figure of Hercules, carrying the skin of the lion-monster he murdered in one arm and the club he killed him with in the other. She noted it mostly because she wanted to point out Hercules' bubble butt (again... much to Angela's immense discomfort, haaaaa). This was a trend we had noticed in the statues again and again... especially the male statues. Nicki Minaj-style asses.
A few more fun facts we learned about the statues in the Vatican. One) The fig leaves that adorn many of the statues in the museum are a later addition. While nudity was a sign of power in Roman times, once Christianity hit the empire, there was, well, a lot more shame about the matter. As a result, a lot of the statues in the Vatican made a new fashion statement or well... got castrated. O_o
Two) Once you learn this, it is literally impossible to unsee. So the Romans are largely copycats. Most of the statues in Rome, that were made during the Roman empire, are copies. Thus, a lot of the marble statues in the Vatican and elsewhere are actually copies of original marble and sometimes bronze Greek statues. However, since marble is much heavier than bronze, a lot of the poses the Greeks contorted their bronzes into are simply not possible in marble. The result is... a lot of really weird, tree-trunk light additions to the statues to support the marble. The point is, at some point you start realizing that there are a lot of really weird and unnecessary things in the statues that are LITERALLY only their for support. I'll point them out later.
After we started down the long 900m path to the Sistine Chapel. There were three different sections, one with paintings, one with tapestries, and one with maps. They were each ridiculously adorned and again, packed with people. An example of some of the wall decorations. This one happens to have the signia of one of the previous popes (I cannot, for the life of me, remember which one).
After we waited in a short line and then entered... the Sistine Chapel. We had gotten a brief explanation of all the various pieces of art (and there are a LOT) in the the chapel. For instance, Michelangelo is not responsible for all of the Chapel. The first two layers of the walls were commissioned by different artists. Our guide compared the best of these initial paintings (perspective lines and realism) and the worst... which was just ehhh. She literally asked the group “Okay, which of these are the worst?” and then promptly informed “Okay, guys, you don't have to be nice. We all know it's this one.”
Poor Cosimo Rosselli.
This is not my photo. Photos are not allowed in the Sistine Chapel.
Michelangelo was commissioned at two separate time to paint the ceiling and then to paint the altarpiece (the Last Judgment). Apparently, as a sculptor, he was very unhappy about this personal request from the Pope. He didn't have any experience in fresco painting, but... how do you deny the Pope? So he went to Rome and spent 5ish years on the ceiling, in his youth, and came back much later as an old man to spend 8ish years on the chapel wall. According to our tour guide, he snuck in a few “fuck you”s to the Pope that made him do this. One) On the 8th panel of the ceiling, he paints God creating the sun and the planets and more importantly, some guy mooning the viewer. This was maybe meant to be a sort of “kiss my ass” statement. He also painted a self portrait on the face of the skin hanging off of St. Bartholomew (who was skinned alive) to say “It would be better to be skinned alive than to waste my life painting this fresco.” Of course, these are all conspiracy theories, but still, amusing (Also imagine a tiny Italian lady sharing this story).
Now about the actual chapel. It... may have been the worst experience of my life. You get herded into the room like cattle, and then wall-to-wall people, like cattle waiting for the slaughter. Every few minutes a voice comes over the speaker calling for silence, and no one shuts up. Despite the ban on photos, people everywhere are trying to surreptitiously take terrible cell phone shots of the ceiling (Why? Whyyyyy?). And then suddenly, we try to take a step towards the exit and there's a man in a uniform in the way. There's no explanation, but he and his coworkers are blocking a triangular path in front of the exit that is making it very hard for people to get through the single door. And then we saw.
Ketchup? Cherry Syrup? Blood??!!
Blood.
A splatter of blood on the floor of the Sistine Chapel.
It takes them 45 minutes to find someone to mop it up. In the meantime, the crowd is restless. People are only allowed to leave in one or two at a time. People are starting to push, others are starting to complain, the guard directing traffic is a moron and everyone is getting angry. I was... stressed by the crowd before, and now, I was imagine every single death by trampling or crushing I've ever read about in my life. Needless to say, once I managed to get past the doorway where there was room to breathe again and there wasn't a small Asian woman (who totally freaking understood what the guard was telling her) violently elbowing everybody in her way, I felt immensely relieved. We did spot the source of the blood spatter, a poor older woman sitting on a wheelchair and clutching gauze to her knee (WHAT ON EARTH DID SHE DO THAT CAUSED SUCH A TORRENT OF BLOOD FROM HER KNEE???) while her husband pointed out the various drops of blood on the way out.
Afterwards, we entered the Vatican museum which was BEAUTIFUL, but packed. We were not quite wall-to-wall with people, but each room was a murmur of excuse mes (in a mix of different languages). There were rooms completely full of statues (many of which we couldn't enter), paintings, tapestries, and more. The following is just a taste.
We also saw an ancient Roman bath in an atrium designed with the Pantheon in mind, placed an an original tile floor and surrounded by bronze and marble statues.
Our tourguide noted one of the statues in this room in particular a monstrous bronze figure of Hercules, carrying the skin of the lion-monster he murdered in one arm and the club he killed him with in the other. She noted it mostly because she wanted to point out Hercules' bubble butt (again... much to Angela's immense discomfort, haaaaa). This was a trend we had noticed in the statues again and again... especially the male statues. Nicki Minaj-style asses.
A few more fun facts we learned about the statues in the Vatican. One) The fig leaves that adorn many of the statues in the museum are a later addition. While nudity was a sign of power in Roman times, once Christianity hit the empire, there was, well, a lot more shame about the matter. As a result, a lot of the statues in the Vatican made a new fashion statement or well... got castrated. O_o
Two) Once you learn this, it is literally impossible to unsee. So the Romans are largely copycats. Most of the statues in Rome, that were made during the Roman empire, are copies. Thus, a lot of the marble statues in the Vatican and elsewhere are actually copies of original marble and sometimes bronze Greek statues. However, since marble is much heavier than bronze, a lot of the poses the Greeks contorted their bronzes into are simply not possible in marble. The result is... a lot of really weird, tree-trunk light additions to the statues to support the marble. The point is, at some point you start realizing that there are a lot of really weird and unnecessary things in the statues that are LITERALLY only their for support. I'll point them out later.
After we started down the long 900m path to the Sistine Chapel. There were three different sections, one with paintings, one with tapestries, and one with maps. They were each ridiculously adorned and again, packed with people. An example of some of the wall decorations. This one happens to have the signia of one of the previous popes (I cannot, for the life of me, remember which one).
After we waited in a short line and then entered... the Sistine Chapel. We had gotten a brief explanation of all the various pieces of art (and there are a LOT) in the the chapel. For instance, Michelangelo is not responsible for all of the Chapel. The first two layers of the walls were commissioned by different artists. Our guide compared the best of these initial paintings (perspective lines and realism) and the worst... which was just ehhh. She literally asked the group “Okay, which of these are the worst?” and then promptly informed “Okay, guys, you don't have to be nice. We all know it's this one.”
This is not my photo. Photos are not allowed in the Sistine Chapel.
Michelangelo was commissioned at two separate time to paint the ceiling and then to paint the altarpiece (the Last Judgment). Apparently, as a sculptor, he was very unhappy about this personal request from the Pope. He didn't have any experience in fresco painting, but... how do you deny the Pope? So he went to Rome and spent 5ish years on the ceiling, in his youth, and came back much later as an old man to spend 8ish years on the chapel wall. According to our tour guide, he snuck in a few “fuck you”s to the Pope that made him do this. One) On the 8th panel of the ceiling, he paints God creating the sun and the planets and more importantly, some guy mooning the viewer. This was maybe meant to be a sort of “kiss my ass” statement. He also painted a self portrait on the face of the skin hanging off of St. Bartholomew (who was skinned alive) to say “It would be better to be skinned alive than to waste my life painting this fresco.” Of course, these are all conspiracy theories, but still, amusing (Also imagine a tiny Italian lady sharing this story).
 |
| Kiss my ass, dickface. |
Ketchup? Cherry Syrup? Blood??!!
Blood.
A splatter of blood on the floor of the Sistine Chapel.
It takes them 45 minutes to find someone to mop it up. In the meantime, the crowd is restless. People are only allowed to leave in one or two at a time. People are starting to push, others are starting to complain, the guard directing traffic is a moron and everyone is getting angry. I was... stressed by the crowd before, and now, I was imagine every single death by trampling or crushing I've ever read about in my life. Needless to say, once I managed to get past the doorway where there was room to breathe again and there wasn't a small Asian woman (who totally freaking understood what the guard was telling her) violently elbowing everybody in her way, I felt immensely relieved. We did spot the source of the blood spatter, a poor older woman sitting on a wheelchair and clutching gauze to her knee (WHAT ON EARTH DID SHE DO THAT CAUSED SUCH A TORRENT OF BLOOD FROM HER KNEE???) while her husband pointed out the various drops of blood on the way out.
Needless to say, my mood was... distressed. We had one more sight to see (the Basilica itself), but I wasn't taking pictures, I was antsy, I wanted out. Fortunately, Angela still got a few photos of the rest of the Vatican. The ceiling right at the doors to St. Peter's Basilica was quite beautiful.
I think you can see the distress in my eyes in this photo in front of the chapel.
 |
| Please kill me. Get me out of here. |
Finally we were on our way out. We snapped a photo of the Egyptian obelisk on the way out as well as the giant colossade surrounding the plaza in front of St. Peter's Basilica.
One of the fountains along the left side of the colonnade.
Thankfully once we were free, we were really truly free. We wanted to get away as fast as possible so without stopping to eat or shop or anything, we headed to the train station (where the National Museum was located) and sat down to eat and promptly decided that we (and me especially) needed wine. A bottle of wine.
 |
| Thank the lord for wine. |
Many busts of various Roman emperors (Don't I look imperial?).
As well as the famous Roman (originally Greek) discus thrower. Sports!
Afterwards, we headed home, exhausted, ready for the adventures of the next day.
A few bonus selfies from the museum.
Another (and a less stressful) day in Rome tomorrow.
Love always,
Maja
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